We do our best to bring you the worst!

Phone Boobs

I hope they make a new one for the iPhone5.

Outrageously Expensive Candle

Yeah, it's comic sans. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?

Corn Stripper

Not as cool as you'd think

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get some Chickenbone Chicken Poop Lip Junk

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Rear Gear - Pet Anus Covers

Rear Gear! It's a cover for your pet's anus. I wanted to make a witty review but after I noticed "No More Mr. Brown Eye" was their slogan I couldn't focus anymore because I was hearing No More Mr. Nice Guy from Alice Cooper in my head. So I've included the remix instead (Spoiler Alert: I've only changed the chorus because I'm lazy and not creative). Enjoy ... sorry if the chrous gets stuck in your head too.

                                                                                                      My laziness makes me sad too, Alice.
I used to be such a sweet, sweet thing
'Til they got a hold of me.
I opened doors for little old ladies,
I helped the blind to see.
I got no friends 'cause they read the papers.
They can't be seen, with me and I'm gettin' real shot down
And I'm feeling mean.

No more Mister Nice Guy Brown Eye
No more Mister Cle-e-e-ean
No more Mister Nice Guy Brown Eye
They say, he's sick he's obsce-e-e-ene

I got no friends 'cause they read the papers.
They can't be seen, with me and I'm gettin' real shot down
And I'm, I'm gettin' mean.
No more Mister Nice Guy Brown Eye
No more Mister Cle-e-e-ean
No more Mister Nice Guy Brown Eye
They say, he's sick he's obsce-e-e-ene

My dog bit me in the leg today
My cat clawwed my eyes
Mom's been thrown out the social circle
And dad has to hide
I went to church, incognito
When everybody rose, the Reverand Smith,
He recognized me,
And punched me in the nose
He said,

No more Mister Nice Guy Brown Eye
No more Mister Cle-e-e-ean
No more Mister Nice Guy Brown Eye
He said, you're sick, you're obsce-e-e-ene

No more Mister Nice Guy Brown Eye
No more Mister Cle-e-e-ean
No more Mister Nice Guy Brown Eye
He said, you're sick, you're obsce-e-e-ene

Pet Peek Dog Window

I bet you're tired of your dog being quiet while roaming the back yard. If so do I have the thing for you! The Pet Peek is a window for your fence so your dog can make sure it goes ape-shit every time anything strolls by your yard. According to the news/media section of the site this window "is often referred to as 'simple genius.'"(probably by the inventor). I guess it is a cheaper solution if you want to take pictures of animals close-up with a wide angle lens?

 O The Pet Peek O

Batter Blaster - Rattle Can Pancakes

Batter Blaster is one of the few products on Who Buys This Stuff that I've had the pleasure(?) of actually using. The other was the XL Jumbo Wine Glass and the end result was vomiting very similar. You might ask yourself "TurtleSub, why would you buy this?!?" Bottom line, I like saving time and I love things that come in cans; whether it's air fresheners, green beans, or ozone depleting CFCs. Spraying out offensively shaped pancakes seems like a lot of fun and it is until you have eat the pancake wiener. It only gets worse once the hilarity subsides and you begin to eat it. They are very sweet and they don’t have the right texture. Kind of like rubber. Also, while it does save some time it really only takes like 5 minutes to make pancakes from scratch, but if you insist on being lazy I'd like to suggest this 8 pack of Bisquick Shake 'n Pour Pancake Mix. It's almost as fast and not nearly as disgusting.

Batter Blaster

How to Avoid Huge Ships - Second Edition

Today we are featuring How to Avoid Huge Ships: Second Edition written by Captain John W. Trimmer. Citizenfitz's review on Amazon sums it up nicely so we will go with that. "I bought How to Avoid Huge Ships as a companion to Captain Trimmer's other excellent books: How to Avoid a Train, and How to Avoid the Empire State Building. These books are fast paced, well written and the hard won knowledge found in them is as inspirational as it is informational. After reading them I haven't been hit by anything bigger than a diesel bus. Thanks, captain! "

How to Avoid Huge Ships: Second Edition

Potty Training Urinal for Boys

We here at Who Buys This Stuff enjoy a beer or twelve on a Saturday night. Going to a bar and hanging out with friends is a great part of life. Sometimes though, that life can get in the way. Did you and that ball and chain significant other of yours recently have a screaming shit machine bundle of joy come into your life? Well now you don't have to worry about neglecting you friends at the bar tonight when you train your son on the Potty Training Urinal for Boys. Unfortunately, this specific model is out of stock so you'll have to settle for this. I feel that the "people who bought this also bought" should include a cigarette butt and some gum, because really, how else are you going to learn to aim?  Oh, and do you think just because you had that little girl you are screwed in this whole deal? Don't worry my friends, we have you covered with this.

Throwback Friday: Pet Rock

This is definitely a product that epitomizes the American dream. That's right the lowly Pet Rock pretty much sums up our country. How you may ask? First, it’s ridiculous, some may say stupid. “It’s a rock, who would buy that?” The United States, that’s who. According to Wikipedia (where I get all my facts) the creator of the Pet rock was named Gary Dahl. He was an advertising exec who basically heard his friends complaining about their pets shitting everywhere and wanted to make something no one could bitch about. This idea was so “stupid” that Gary sold 1.5 million of these things… Let me say that again, One. Point. Five. Million. The Pet rock fad only lasted about 6 months but this guy became a millionaire. If that isn’t the American dream my friends, I don’t know what is.

p.s. you can now get an usb powered Pet Rock. Enjoy.

American Dream

Real Moving Rorschach Inkblot Masks

For today's feature we have the Real Moving Rorschach Inkblot Mask which was sent in by a reader that calls himself Grafixfan. Thanks for opening my eyes the pinnacle of human achievement Grafixfan. These masks use a heat sensitive ink that lightens and darkens based on how you direct your breath in the mask. Sounds awesome right? Except that feeling your own breath inside of a mask would get awfully hot and sticky in about 30 seconds. Remember how awesome that Halloween mask you got when you were 10 was for the first 10 minutes. Actually in reality, it's a shame we have to be so negative about everything we review on this site because I would totally buy this if I wanted to alienate all my friends.

Thanks again Grafixfan, we will wear these to your house when we stalk you.

Real Moving Rorschach Inkblot Mask

Flexi-Mat Corp Pet Pocket

Was it always your dream when you grew up to get a cool dog? To run on the beach and throw toys in the water for a golden retriever? To have a dog that would be loyal and a good friend until the end...

Do you feel like an a-hole for letting your wife talk you into buying that chihuahua?  If you already went that far you might as well look like a bigger jackass and get yourself one of these. The Flexi-Mat Corp Pet Pocket could be just the thing for your new life as a whipping boy. Maybe next time you will tell your wife to get back in the kitchen where she belongs. Seriously though, you look like a kanagroo... stop it.

 /   \\    
 )    \\   Flexi-Mat Corp Pet Pocket
(      \\  

Penis Extender Stretcher Strap Device

Enjoy medieval torture devices and a larger member? Who doesn't, amiright? Now you can enjoy them both from the comfort of your own home and without having to be strapped between two horses. People who bought the Penis Extender Stretcher Strap Device also bought this so you can have a double whammy of long dong, they even put pictures of those horses on the bottle. 

8===========================D Penis Extender Stretcher Strap Device

Laser Guided Scissors

I really don't know where to begin with the Laser Guided Scissors. They are supposed to help you cut straight lines with better precision. This is would be all fine and dandy if maybe the laser wasn't attached to very scissors that were doing the cutting. The only way it could work is if you drew a line first and then tried to use the laser to stay on the line, but with scissors you can see the line you've drawn and if you still can't cut a straight line maybe arts and crafts just isn't your thing. I think the inventor's original idea may have been a pair of tactical scissors, but they settled for regular scissors when it was pointed out that a knife without a laser works just fine.

Aquasana Deluxe Shower Water Filter System

Here is the answer to the most serious of first world problems the Aquasana AQ-4100 Deluxe Shower Water Filter System, which is exactly what it sounds like. It filters the water that comes through your shower head to remove harmful chemicals and prevent them from doing bad things to you. While this is all well and good and it probably does do what it says are they just going to pretend that the shampoo and soap we lather up with isn't full of chemicals that are a lot worse. It seems to me like Brita had some extra filters laying around and props to them for creating a problem that doesn't really need a solution.

"I think Pringles's initial intention was to make tennis balls ... but on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up a big old truck of potatoes arrived ... but Pringles is a laid back company, they said "cut them up" - Mitch Hedberg

Beer Can Holster Ammo Belt

Today we have the Beer Can Holster Ammo Belt. This is another product that seems like a really fun idea the first couple of times you use it and then the joke is over, but you've spent money on it and you'll be damned if it's going in the closet. Kind of like the beer can hat. "Oh great, Billy Ray showed up with his beer ammo belt again. Someone needs to tell him its not funny anymore and he looks like a drunk." The best part about the product page is that  "The engineering team for this product spent the last 8 years developing this piece of drinking accessory marvelment." How can that be possible? I had this idea once too, but it was called the Beerdolier and it only hung over one shoulder. Turns out someone already had that product developed so I had to start this stupid website to support my alcoholism.

Sex In Her S**tty Blowup Doll

We here at WhoBuysThisStuff.com have decided to start a new tradition called Throwback Friday where we post things that are no longer for sale. The inaugural Throwback Friday is a perfect example of a mediocre idea paired with poor execution (kinda like this site, right?). Here we have the Sex In Her Shitty blowup doll. They've seemed to capture every nuance of the show on the cover of this box - martinis, "Big", Sarah Jessica Porkher - except for one thing. Mrs. Sara Jessica Porkher looks more like a dude than Sarah Jessica Parker.

This product was sold in 2008 and is sadly no longer available. But we've devised a solution to this problem if you must have a Sex In Her Shitty blowup doll.

Backdoor Babydoll + Accoutrements Horse Head Mask = Perfection

Playmobil Security Check Point

Did you and your kids enjoy your trip through airport security last summer on your way to Grandmas?  Now your family can re-create the non-stop fun of the TSA attempting to pat down little Cindy at home with the Playmobil Security Check Point. Your kids will have hours of laughs racially profiling their other toys while Barbie looks on in fear of the inevitable strip search. Don't make your kids declare jihad on you, buy them the Playmobil Security Check Point today!

ThenCry Pillow

Unfortunately, I'm not able to find this item for sale anymore, it used to be available here from the manufacturer. I can't help but think they are no longer making it due to low sales. If that's the case then I think it's product of improper marketing. Below is the plan I am submitting to design3000 to relaunch the ThenCry.

  • Rename it the ThenJerk (copyright paperwork submitted so you can't steal the incredibly clever name)
  • Add a lotion dispenser the other side
  • Start selling the ThenJerk© at Gamestops, comic book shops and LAN centers

With any luck design3000 listens to my words of wisdom and can get back on track to doing what they do best(?), selling pillows to help you wank. 

'Til Death Do Us Part Knuckle Duster

Uh oh boys, did you forget Valentine's Day? Well luckily for you, we here at WhoBuysThisStuff.com have you covered. Well not really. You're still screwed (enjoy the couch), but as a make up gift we suggest that you buy your significant other a 'Til Death Do Us Part Knuckle Duster. That way they can teach you to never forget Valentine's Day again. Just ask them not to hit you in the eyes so you can still visit WhoBuysThisStuff.com!

'Til Death Do Us Part Knuckle Duster

Go Girl Female Urination Device

This is how I imagine a commercial for the Go Girl Female Urination Device. First, let's set the scene: The shot opens on a crowded night club then pans over to an extremely long line at the women's restroom while the men's restroom appears to be empty. A girl walks up, sees the huge line, pulls out the Go Girl, shows it to the camera with a sly smile and walks into the men's restroom. As the door closes an announcer says "You Go Girl!" and explains the product. -fin. (when you see this during next year's superbowl remember where you heard it first.)

Go Girl Female Urination Device

Reddit Soap

After yesterday's success on /r/shutupandtakemymoney we've decided that pandering was the best route to get more of the attention our delicate egos so desperately crave. So, today we are bringing you the most confusing reddit related product available. After considerable debate we settled on Reddit Soap. Just the other day I accidentally : | ended up in /r/spacedicks and the first second thing I wanted to do was take a shower and I'm pretty sure that soap with the reddit logo on it would just add to my shame as I tried to scrub the "filth" off of me. Different strokes for different folks I guess. Thanks again reddit!

Reddit Soap


No Poops! No oops! If you've ever wanted a dog, but were being held back by the thought of having to bend down and grasp it's little steamers in your hand with a plastic bag, the Pootrap might just be the product for you. Depending on the size of your new dog you're only looking at between $30 and $60 for this sweet system, which is a small price to pay to make your dog know who's the bitch and avoid the unforgiving faces of crying children or angry adults who've stepped in your dog's poo.


XL Jumbo Giant Wine Glass

"Karen, you might have a drinking problem."

"Back off Susan, this is only my second glass!”

Susan was tired of collecting Karen off bathroom floors after long nights of boozing out on the town, but since Karen bought the XL Jumbo Giant Wine Glass Susan hasn't had much trouble. You see, Karen died after she crashed her car into a telephone pole heading home after only her third glass of wine from the XL Jumbo Giant Wine Glass. If only Karen had this she would have seen that dog in the road instead of trying to reach down to grab her glass out of the cup holder.   
____ `
|    |                      
 _||_XL Jumbo Giant Wine Glass 

The Daddle

I'd like to introduce you to the new toy that is galloping (get it?) into the hearts and minds of America. The Daddle! Now you don't even have to wait until the teenage years for your child to show you that you're not good for anything but a ride. It can't be that bad right? Just remember to smile and act like you're enjoying it while the shove their spurs in your sides for the rest of your life.

* The Daddle *

On a side note, I can't wait till they come out with the Mommle. Amiright?

Grilled Cheese Burger

'Mericans, that's who. This bad-boy is a cheese burger with grilled cheese for buns. Yes, you heard that right.
According to Friendly's site his guy has over 1500 calories and close to 100 grams of fat. On the site it has a cross next to the description, it's a citation for consuming undercooked food or some nonsense like that. I can't help but feel that it's really there to remind you to pray you don't have a heart attack immediately after eating this thing.

†  Grilled Cheese Burger  †


Valentine’s day is coming up ladies and gents and what's a better gift than a KegelPro. However, I am not sure who would get it for whom. Would a man get this for his wife? His wife who is too overwhelmed with the stresses of everyday life to take time out to work on her kegels? Or would the wife get this for her husband months in advance of this hallowed day and then let her secret be known? WBTS? That's the beauty of this product, it could be a man or woman, husband or wife, and all people can understand the joy that will result from this gift. 

V KegelPro v

All-Star Jerseys

Adult men wearing jerseys can be a point of contention. Let's be honest, if you see a guy walking down the street or down the deodorant isle in the Walmart, you probably think to yourself, "what a douche". As an avid sports fan I wear them myself and I feel it's okay in certain situations; at sporting events, having people over for a game-watching party, going to a bar to watch a game with buddies. One time it's never okay to wear a jersey? When it's an all-star version. Seriously, who buys these things? It must be somebody because the leagues keep selling them.

Pizza Fork

Here is an interesting invention. It's a fork with a pizza wheel. I'm sure its creator saw a spork and was like "Oh shit, why didn't I think of that?!?." But there are couple issues with a "Pizza Fork" that can't be ignored. First of all who eats pizza with a fork? No one who worth knowing about that's who. I'm sure even Jerry Seinfeld who eats candy bars with a fork enjoys eating a pizza by folding it in half and holding it. Second, even if you are dumb enough to eat a pizza with a fork you dont need this because the side of the fork works just fine.

( > Pizza Fork < )


That's right, a sex toy for your dog. It comes in white or black and can be yours for only $200! So, if you are over humped legs, inanimate objects and other real dogs, this might just be the thing for your pooch. Just be careful it doesn't turn into a Lars and the Real Girl type of situation.

B====D  Hotdoll

Pee-pee Teepee

Tired of all that embarrassing baby junk hanging out while you change diapers? Don't appreciate being peed on added to the the list of things you have to do since your bundle of joy arrived? These guys come in a bunch of different patterns and from what I understand work on Japanese men to help with the same issues.

/\ Pee-pee Teepee /\

Season Shot

Like to kill birds with shotguns? Don't want to bother with fishing out buckshot and then having to season said bird? Now you can kill two birds with one stone (durp!) with the season shot. Now if they could only figure out a way you could get dead, seasoned, cooked food without all the work these people could be onto something.

--->Season Shot<---

Microwave For One

Here we have Microwave for One from Sonia Allison. I really don't think I can add anything more to this than the top rated review on Amazon from Michael Pemulis:

"It used to be that I got home from work and the only thing I'd want to put in my mouth was the cold barrel of my grandfather's shotgun. Then I discovered Sonia Allison's Chicken Tetrazzini, and now there are two things." 

Good for him. Maybe you too can find some light in your miserable and lonely life.